5:05 rolls around. I’m about to roll out, because I seriously do not expect her to show up. Just as I’m about to head out the door, my daughter walks in – I can’t tell you how shocked I am to see her! Shocked, relieved and thrilled, of course, because I truly did not expect my ex to show up with her. I give her the hugest hug I ever have – I’m so thrilled to see her, and she hugs me back even harder. It’s really a beautiful moment.

I take my daughter home for our court-ordered overnight exchange. I’ve been trying to get ahold of her on Skype or Google Talk. I’d bought her a new computer only a month ago so that I could talk with her and not have to go through Shayna. As we’re driving home, my daughter tells me that her mother hid the computer from her while at her home. She’s tried to sneak it out so she could contact me, but the only time she could do so was late at night. Shayna also told my daughter that she had to leave the computer at my house from now on, and that if she brought it back with her she wouldn’t be allowed to use it.

Shayna also takes my daughter’s phone away from her when she’s at home. The only time my daughter has access to her phone is when she’s with Shayna, but at a friends how or otherwise immediately away from her. So, it’s almost impossible for me to contact my daughter, except for when I actually see her.

These are common practices of the parental terrorist. Obstruction, deception, attempted manipulation of children, coercion, denial of contact.

I’m so lucky though – my daughter and I are completely tight. She knows what time of day it is, and she knows what her mother is up to. She tells me that she’s been trying to get ahold of me, and she knows that I haven’t abandoned her. She knows I’m out there just wanting to talk to her, and that Shayna is making it deliberately impossible to do so. I’m so glad to have a kid that is smart and that knows what’s going on. She’s mellow about it… and I’m glad. I don’t want her to stress.

I’m just glad to see her.

My parental terrorist for example has been working on me for two years – claiming up and down that I’m dangerous, mentally unstable, homicidal, suicidal, drug addicted, alcoholic, bipolar – anything you can think of! She would obstruct calls with my child, cop call, file false police reports – basically anything and everything she could to either make me look like the bad guy or to make my parental rights irrelevant.

Here’s the short list of the kinds of things a parental terrorist might do…

• Baiting you into making a mistake
• Making false accusations & cop calling
• Excessive court filings
• Deception
• Obstruction from contact and communication with your child
• Manipulate your child’s opinion against you
• Coerce you, take advantage of your duress
• Malicious compliance to the court orders (exploiting vague language or loopholes)
• Increasing child support as a form of financial pressure
• Destroy your credibility and your reputation wherever possible.

Remember – they are trying to make themselves look like the victim, and make YOU look like the bad guy! It’s vital that you don’t fall for any of their traps, that you obey the court orders to the letter, that you do not give them any way to get a criminal justice system “foothold” on you. Most importantly – don’t make the same mistake I’ve made – GET A GOOD, AGGRESSIVE FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY.

A good attorney will not only be able to represent you, they act as both a shield and a sword against your terrorist. They take the brunt of the attacks for you. But, don’t get the first one that volunteers to represent you. Ask questions, get referrals if possible, and make sure they know what the hell they are doing.

Terrorism is a criminal act that influences an audience beyond the immediate victim. The strategy of terrorists is to commit acts of violence that draws the attention of the local populace, the government, and the world to their cause. The terrorists plan their attack to obtain the greatest publicity, choosing targets that symbolize what they oppose. The effectiveness of the terrorist act lies not in the act itself, but in the public’s or government’s reaction to the act. For example, in 1972 at the Munich Olympics, the Black September Organization killed 11 Israelis. The Israelis were the immediate victims. But the true target was the estimated 1 billion people watching the televised event.

Hence, terrorism when taken in this context is meant to create pressure for political change by influencing the opinion of an audience. Terrorism also creates and employs other effects as well designed to apply pressure both directly and indirectly to the intended target, those being:

Psychological: The intended results of terrorist acts cause a psychological effect (“terror”). They are aimed at a target audience other than the actual victims of the act. The intended target audience of the terrorist act may be the population as a whole, some specific portion of a society (an ethnic minority, for example), or decision-making elites in the society’s political, social, or military populace.

Coercive: Violence and destruction are used in the commission of the act to produce the desired effect. Even if casualties or destruction are not the result of a terrorist operation, the threat or potential of violence is what produces the intended effect. For example, a successful hostage taking operation may result in all hostages being freed unharmed after negotiations and bargaining. Regardless of the outcome, the terrorist bargaining chips were nothing less than the raw threat of applying violence to maim or kill some or all of the hostages. When the threat of violence is not credible, or the terrorists are unable to implement violence effectively, terrorism fails.

Dynamic: Terrorist groups demand change, revolution, or political movement. The radical worldview that justifies terrorism mandates drastic action to destroy or alter the status quo. Even if the goals of a movement are reactionary in nature, they require action to “turn back the clock” or restore some cherished value system that is extinct. Nobody commits violent attacks on strangers or innocents to keep things “just the way they are.”

Deliberate: Terrorism is an activity planned and intended to achieve particular goals. It is a rationally employed, specifically selected tactic, and is not a random act. Since the victims of terrorist violence are often of little import, with one being as good for the terrorists’ purposes as another, victim or target selection can appear random or unprovoked. But the target will contain symbolic value or be capable of eliciting emotional response according to the terrorists’ goals. Remember that the actual target of terrorism is not the victim of the violence, but the psychological balance.

Source: Terrorism Research (http://www.terrorism-research.com/behavior/)

When we superimpose this concept upon the idea of parental terrorism, we see that there are stark similarities between this and conventional terrorism:

Psychological: Acts of parental terrorism produce a psychological effect, in as much as the target of the terrorist act experiences fear, and yes, terror at the mere implication or threat of acts against them by the parental terrorist. For example, what could be more psychologically terrifying than being arrested and sent to jail if your ex is clever enough to make up a credible story which results in even a short visit through the criminal justice system, or managing to convince a family court judge that you should lose custody of your children?

Coercive: A broad number of various methods are commonly implemented by the parental terrorist in an effort to coerce the target to bend to their will. If, for example, the parental terrorist threatens to call your employer to tell them that you’re a child molester or drug user – it may not matter whether or not it’s true – the mere act of doing so may be enough to get the target parent fired from their job. Coercion also applies to the turning of the children against the target parent, instilling fear or dislike in the children such that they do not wish to spend time with the target.

Dynamic: The whole point of parental terrorism is to force change where normally change would not be able to take place; i.e., the complete removal of the target from the lives of the children and thus from the life of the parental terrorist. As has stated before, it is this legal and emotional bond between the target parent and the children that the parental terrorist is attempting to eliminate, and is thus the change that they seek.

Deliberate: Make no mistake – parental terrorism is a willful, deliberate strategy that is enacted against the target. Many people have tried to explain how there ex’s have “all the sudden” become pathological liars in their own defense against the parental terrorist. If this person were so obviously dishonest before the break-up, then one would have spotted it long ago. Thus, it is not the result of some sudden mental defect, but rather a course of action that is a conscious decision on the part of the parental terrorist.

Terrorism is often understood to be an “asymmetrical” form of warfare, i.e., a war between opponents whose relative military power, strategy or tactics differ significantly. It is best and most often employed by a smaller, weaker force against a stronger one in an effort to tip the scales in their favor by circumventing the normal rules and course of warfare. Similarly, parental terrorism is also asymmetrical – it is not a battle with a front line between two basically equally-powerful adversaries with a clear winner and a loser after the dust settles, but rather is most often times initiated and executed by the parent who by virtue of the legal system cannot enforce the change they so desperately seek. So rather than circumventing the legal system in a way that they cannot possibly win, they choose to manipulate the legal system in a way that makes the target parent at least appear to be an undesirable influence in the lives of the children involved. The ultimate endgame is a gradual erosion of the position of the target parent to a degree that they can no longer put up a fight to maintain their legal rights to custody and visitation.

Like conventional terrorism, parental terrorism works primarily by attacking the intended target both directly and indirectly. The indirect targets – i.e., the focus of the influence of parental terrorism – are the family court system, the target’s financial systems, law enforcement, the criminal justice system, friends and family, employers and even children of the target – all of which at some point end up applying direct pressure to the intended target.

While one could argue that parental terrorism is an act of hate, vengeance, vindictiveness, fear or other unsavory emotions, it’s important to realize that these emotions are not the prime motivators – your ex did not suddenly inexplicably lose their mind and just start lashing out in an irrational manner without any logical explanation (although, there is some debate about this right now among professionals in the world of psychology – see these articles about Parental Alienation Syndrome). Rather, what is taking places is the premeditated, willful execution of a strategy. While these negative emotions may indeed provide the “fuel” that powers the execution of their plan, make no mistake – there is a method to the madness. Your typical garden-variety terrorist wants to achieve a result, usually political, but the desire to achieve this goal is fueled by their hatred of the target. Similarly, while the ultimate goal of the terrorist-parent is to excise the target-parent from their lives, and they may be fueled for their disdain of the target, it is nothing less than a strategic decision executed by the parental terrorist in order to achieve a result.

Please see my next article, “Common Tactics of the Parental Terrorist“.

I mean, it’s really amazing that I should have to go through all this total bullshit just to be a parent.  Seriously, does all this seem REASONABLE to anyone out there?!?

The hell of it is, I could have walked away from my kid long ago.  God knows, I’ve been given every opportunity. But, I’m not that kind of guy.  I’m the sort of person that when I make a promise I keep it.  I consider myself a stand-up guy, so I “manned up” as it were, stood my my kid for years after my ex and I split up, and all that loyalty now apparently counts for nothing.

I’m learning that my story is not unique.  There are alot of guys who are going through this hell.  And it’s really sad, I mean, I actually saw this one guy’s video (below) and for a moment, I actually couldn’t help but feel sorry for someone else more than I did for myself.

When I saw Tom’s video, it suddenly dawned on me… “Jesus – this sounds EXACTLY like what I’ve been dealing with for over two years now!”.  On one hand, I was happy to see I wasn’t alone, but on the other hand – felt so bad for the guy.  You can just tell how much anguish there is in his voice..

I’m dedicating this blog, this website and my efforts to helping other men who are having this kind of problem.  I hope that somehow something I post here will help you or someone you know.  But of course, I’m also hoping it’ll help me – god knows I could use it.

I’m so tired of fighting…

Taken individually, these tactics appear to be nothing more than plain hatred or vindictiveness on the part of the ex.  Just another series of “she hates me and wants to ruin my life” behaviors one might think is par of the course in a custody fight or a divorce.  However, taken in aggregate – looking at the big picture as it were, it becomes more obvious that particularly over time, these actions are not just bad behavior or someone acting out…

They are a strategy.

Based on my experience and using the model of conventional terrorism as a prototype, we can now define Parental Terrorism as the following:

Parental Terrorism: The unethical implementation of pressure, both legal and extra-legal against a target parent, with the goal of eliminating the target parent from the life of the terrorist parent by excising the target parent from the life of child or children, typically without regard to either the desires or the well-being of the children involved.

Parental Terrorism is nothing less than a form of asymmetrical warfare with stark similarities to the behavior and patterns of a conventional terrorist.  Anyone who has ever had to deal with this kind of person knows how it feels, and they often feel very terrorized by their ex, by an unsympathetic legal system that’s already somewhat prejudicial against men, against law enforcement agencies that automatically profile you – the man – as the perpetrator, for no other reason than pretty much just having a penis.

More in-depth discussion on this topic in my next article – Parental Terrorism, Part 2